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Monday, March 21, 2011 I always thought I would never have the courage to do it. To tell her once and for all I really cannot wait anymore. She always says put myself in her shoes and I have, from all angles and perspectives. Whatever she wanted, I could have given her. Anything at all. But still she was indecisive. I tried to be patient, to be understanding but I really wanted to have the assurance from her that we can seriously work towards a future together. Her reply was, "you know my stand. If you cant wait then go find somebody else." I promised her that if we were back together, by the end of the year I will definitely have enough to marry her and start a family. Her reply? "Can you just please stop this? I am having a headache" What else can I do? "Nothing. Just stop it" ok. I tried my best. I guess it just wasnt good enough. But thats alright, I have no regrets. I dont think I will find anyone else like her in my life, but it just wasn't meant to be. The ironic thing of course is that most of the time, its the woman who leaves because the guy cant summon the courage to commit to marriage. I just want to have a family of my own, with someone I love, and who is willing to work with me for the happiness of the family. Is that really too much to ask for? Isnt this the dream of many females out there as well, or is my brain just washed in the wrong direction by the media? Xiao long nu, sometimes I really admire your patience, your undying willingness to stand by his side no matter how badly he treats you and himself. You believe there is a little goodness in him, no matter how much of a addict he is and no matter what he says or do to you, even when the best thing to do for both him and you is to be apart. I wish I have that kind of patience and courage. I guess as one grows older and with the big 30 coming up, priorities in life become more than just goals, but reasons to keep fighting on as well. I need a reason to keep fighting on. Like is fast becoming dull and tasteless. I wake up every morning (feeling like p diddy -- ok had to put that in, couldnt help it) with nothing in mind. Its just mindless repetition through the motions. Breath eat sleep. There is no light at the end of this fast paced darkness, no true happiness to be felt, nothing to make me feel alive. Everything is a been there done that whats next? Should lose weight. Maybe that would help. Being with her has made me feel complete internally so I totally disregarded the need to maintain a proper external shell. Somehow, superficial attractiveness seems to be the driving force for the world nowadays (wait, since the world began actually). Should improve my chances by reverting to former self. Food for thought...I shall munch on this bag of chips as I ponder... |
Richel A.K.A Bkoolz tag me 
my previous life
03/30/2003 - 04/06/2003 designed by lonelyger |
