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Saturday, December 25, 2004 had to work on christmas eve. kinda last minute thing. got called up by irvin said they needed people. my feet was still bad though better after the medicine so i thought, wat the hell. might as well get out. so i wrapped up my feet and went to work.
it was this rave party thingy at suntec and we were just required to slack at the motorola booth outside the party. very few people came and we wrapped things up by 11pm. i had a lot to drink. got drunk. went to work today. ... got 3g phones ... it... cant carry on.. good night richel good night Thursday, December 23, 2004 went to c the doc yesterday. he told me my foot was really bad and that if the medication didnt help in the next few days, i will have to go to the hospital. he said i probably got that from swimming and not cleaning my feet properly afterwards.
he was working on his birthday! but he had a long break after yesterday. he will be on leave from today all the way to next monday. And he was going out to celebrate with his friends after work. birthdays. how did i celebrate my birthday this year? i was happy with it. it wasnt a very big kind of celebration but it was something i wanted. it was something small intimate and happy. how things change after just a few days. why did she have to write such things? such venom.. such hatred... tonight is christmas eve. i called the hotel just now to cancel the reservation. it was meant to be a surprise. when i saw the place in 8 days and i remarked to her how beautiful and retro-ish the decor looked she suggested that we go book it for christmas. i said she was crazy, but i went to book it in the end. wat a surprise everything turned out to be..with my feet like that, guess i will be celebrating christmas alone. how will you be celebrating christmas? in town? with your loved one? with your loved ones... i didnt smoke at all yesterday. i feel very weak now...third day of being alone...no cigarettes, feet aching, and alone. my boss dropped me off in town after the show yesterday and as i hobbled towards the mrt station i saw so many couples soaking in the atmosphere. kissing under the mistletoe i wish everyone a very merry christmas. merry christmas richel... Wednesday, December 22, 2004 am now sitting in front of the computer screen soaking my swollen feet in dettol water. i just read what she wrote. typical angry response. sigh.
i crawled to school today. literally step by step. every inch forward was like pure torture. i really felt like cutting off my legs and just sit down and die. theres no worst feeling than being unable to walk properly. i could feel the blood flowing out of the sores even though they were covered. i had to mentally edge myself on to class then on to work. i really dont know how i managed it; i'm so near to collapse now. when i took off my blood soaked socks i almost wanted to cry at the state my feet was in. blood was spilling onto the toilet floor so i had to hold my tears back and wash my feet. i dont know whether this wound will heal or not. still have work tomorrow. fuck. have to drag myself to school then to work. in shoes. i dont know how am i going to survive tomorrow. i think i will just chop my feet off. 1st day of loneliness. starting to regret. wished so badly that at the end of the day at least someone would be there to hug me and kiss me and tell me that its ok. but all i have is myself. i look in the mirror and tries to smile, but it looks closer to a grimace. have to get used to this then. there are somethings in life that we will have to learn the hard way and this is one of them. good night richel good night Tuesday, December 21, 2004 last pack of cigarettes -- left 5 sticks.
i made a vow with myself today. i shall not get myself involved in another relationship for the rest of this year. not much of a vow seeing that there are only about ten days left but this is a little holiday for me. i wont meet anyone or go out. these last ten days will be spent on myself. my feet aches like hell and the only people who seems to care anything about it is my mother. everybody seems only to be preoccupied with what they can get from me. im going to spend the rest of the year working, studying, watching dvds and playing lan. its just going to be me myself and i. that would be the safest way to spend my days actually. wont get disappointed or angry or argue with myself. i dont have to think about where to go with myself or whether i have to send myself back. i dont have to think about what or where to eat or whether this or that particular show or venue can please myself or not. i dont need sex. i have myself. i dont need kisses or hugs. i got my youngest brother. i will be self sufficient for the next 10 or so days. signed, sealed and solemnly sweared upon by me, myself and i. Monday, December 20, 2004 i am looking at my pack of cigarettes. i have made a mental decision to make this my last packet.
why? i dont want to be stuck in this rut anymore. time and again i deceive myself, thinking somehow or rather things will work out. we gave it another try. but now we are like two warring nations fighting a losing battle against each other. there is no more trust there. she asks to see my handphone all the time and demands to know who i message and call. i have to inform her where i go, who i am with and what time im back. like a prisoner. why do you want me back if all you want to do is to control me? do you know you are making me very unhappy? you apologised for your behaviour but yet nothing changes. i suffered a terrifying breakdown because u confessed that you love someone else. then a month later you come back to me and tell me that it is all just so to make me forget you. i was trying my best to do that already. then u came back in my life when i least expected and now this again. i dont want to break down again. its terrifying to remember how badly i cried that time. how i knelt beside the drain and screamed my heart out. that pain...its effects still lingers... i wil never forget that horrifying thought of contemplating suicide. we are now at polar ends audrey. the more we try to get back together the more we will drive each other apart. you are still young and you still want to have fun. i just want a responsible and mature girlfriend who can just sit by my side no matter wat happens. you are not at that stage yet nor do i expect you to be. you remember when we were together in the past and i told you how suffocated i felt? when i pleaded with you to just let me go? i actually pleaded with you. that led to our breakup for a month. please try and remember that and recall how i felt. you have lost focus in out relationship. instead of concentrating on how to make the relationship work, you seem to care more about owning me. go on and lead your own life audrey. just let me be. i am very disappointed by those two love bites. i told you i didnt want anything to happen when u go for your performance and it seems my words fell on deaf ears. you flirted with the officers. you almost gave up meeting me just so you can go partying with them. watever. if you like this kind of life go on and lead it in your way. your style. good luck in school. im sorry but i will not be there to comfort you when you cry anymore. cause i know you wont be there if i cry. |
Richel A.K.A Bkoolz tag me 
my previous life
03/30/2003 - 04/06/2003 designed by lonelyger |
