days of being single. of being free..? free... hmm...i dont consider myself to be free. i was never tied down in the first place. so what then are the benefits of being single again?
seriously i can think of nothing.
my relationship with her is such that we are friends first and foremost before being lovers. but there are so many times during which i felt our friendship has overrun wat budding romance we had for each other
okay maybe it was more on my side rather than hers but i really cant help it. i feel like a brother telling a younger sister what to do in life, the roads to take, the whatnots to follow. i cant stand this kind of feeling. this feeling that i gotta constantly keep tabs on what she does to check that she doesnt fall out of line. put her back on track when she slips up. i got stuff and problems of my own enough already. i dont need another burden on my back. a relationship means the sharing of each other lives and not just one person doing most of the sharing.
the way she treat her mother enfante terrible!!. i can never dream of talking to my mother like that. true her mother is one very very tough and eccentric nut. but no matter what shes her mother. and i know for sure that had she not been the bad ass she was her mother wouldnt have that much cause to scream at her. they dont talk to each other, they screech. their mode of negotiation? fight. no. this was not how i wanted my girlfriend to treat her mother. no way would i stand for this sort of behaviour. i hold my mother in the highest esteem with respect and utmost love and i expect my girlfriend to be the same.

but she promised that she will change. and i heard that so many times and so many times she disappoint me. everytime i got so fed up with her i felt like giving up. everytime i held back and decide maybe it wasnt so bad afterall. but right at the moment when she has firmly decided to change, i gave up. y? because...

actually i have scant idea y.perhaps i needed a vacation. a vacation from a relationship. perhaps i wanted to reasses what my feelings are for her, how i wanted our relationship to head. whether i felt our relationship could be headed for the long road. i dont love her that i admit. but could it ever take the turn for the better? wil i fall in love with her? ever? i truly have no idea. even now sitting in front of the computer screen staring at the letters slowly forming in tune with my typing. my mind is in a blank, a question towards the uncertainity of our future.

suddenly i feel very lonely. normal perhaps considering that we spent almost everyday together for the past few months. we went everywhere did everything together spent all public holidays with each other. new year, christmas, my birthday.
thinking back now i realise that we had really come a long way. maybe not in terms of time but in terms of building the relationship. with karin it was easier though we quarreled a lot cause both of us were adults with jobs and all that and it was just like a normal adult relationship just that it was not really out in the open.
yx and me. our relationship is like those i had in the past with des. well sorta. we spend so much time together and our lives are so intertwined that sometimes i feel that i cant breathe. but was this the relationship that i preferred?
i longed for so long to have a relationship like dat i had with des. i told so many people this and deep in my mind and heart i often wandered off to the past when des and i was still living together in queenstown. how i used to spend every breathing moment with herand did every single thing together. how happy we were and how contented i was.

but there must be a reason why that ended. maybe it was never meant to be. same as then i took a vacation. though not as drastic as breaking up, i went away during millennium to celebrate with two other girls and lied to her saying that i went to malaysia with my family. why i did that is still very much a mystery to me even up till now almost 5 years on. a vacation? was i feeling too stuffed up and needed a break? a breath of fresh air? a temporary respite from a relationship that I know was going well?

think this is a real problem with me. a really big problem. i regreted that break i took from des five years ago even on till nw. painfully regretful of what might have been had i not done it. will i regret this 'vacation' now? hmmm...

Love it has so many beautiful faces
Sharing lives and sharing days
My love it has so many empty spaces
I'm sharing a memory now I hope that's how it stays

Now I'm deep inside love and still breathing
She is holding my heart in her hand
I'm the closest I've been to believing this could be love forever

All throughout my life the reasons I've demanded
But how can I reason with the reason I'm a man
In a minute I'm needing to hold her
In an hour I'm cold, cold as stone
When she leaves it gets harder and harder to face life alone

Now my dreams are filled with times when we're together
Guess what I need from her is forever love

---

[ ]


[richel] [1/08/2004 02:21:00 PM]

Love, Me
-- Colin Raye --

I read a note my Grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three.
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me. He said,
"Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's Daddy didn't like me none, but I loved your Grandma so."

"We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together;
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever.
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
Of her, I found this letter, and this is what it said":

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away;
In the doorway of a church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray.
I know I'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen years;
But as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears.

"If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.
Between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.

we are broken up. u and i. i dont know why i did this. not exactly anyway but i felt this would be the best for the two of us. or maybe just the best for me. it aint fair to you i know. i believe u can do watever u promised to change. i do. maybe when the time comes...who knows what will happen?

peace out.

---

[ ]


[richel] [1/04/2004 11:06:00 AM]