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Friday, August 13, 2004 just logged into her friendster account. her status is single and she just logged in recently. the pictures of us are gone. think what she feels about us has already been cemented. i wish you well audrey. i just hope you will make good use of your life and one day understand that love means a lot more than just time together, it also means time away.
Hide My Pain In your arms I lie at night, As the time counts down beforeIt is time for you to leave me. I have known for months that That day would come and inside My mind I prepared myself, but My heart kept pushing it away... Avoiding the inevitable... So with almost no time left, The pain wells up inside of Me so bad that it goes beyond Mere heartbreak... Holding back the tears, as I lie inYour arms at night, turning away, Hoping you wont catch me crying... You can never know what it is I feel- It would do no good to tell you because It would not change how things are or How things will be... And yet it is I find myself saying"I love you" under my breath, Almost constantly... And to slip and allow these tears To be freed would only deny me the Remaining time I have left, as you Would feel uneasy, and slip away Before it is time... It will get worse before it will get Better, but with what I know and whatI have known, I cannot see beyond the Pain that lingers in my heart, and I am left wondering, will I ever know Any other feeling... Love without pain, love without loss,I cannot fathom such a feeling yetI long for it with you... And that longing is like a thousand deaths. And as I long to be released from that pain, I know it will never happen because to be Released from that pain would mean being released From you, and the pain of that is death in itself... So for the time I have left I will lie in Your arms, hiding the pain that wells up Inside and the pain that accompanies holding Back the tears, and hope and pray you don't Wake up, and catch me with those tears in my eyes... The tears in my eyes that come from loving you. good bye audrey. have a good life. Wednesday, August 11, 2004 today's event was a good one. i just got home..cant sleep as tomorrow have to leave early for my traffic police test. rEALLy hope to pass this one...a lot of people get it the second time round, that seems to be the average.
the only blight to today's event was that one of the contestants lost a diamond ring and made a big hooha over it, including checking the contestants bags and calling the police.. suck a bitch! i knew her temper was bad but i had no idea she could make such a big mess. spoilt the mood for all the contestants and caused the event to be stalled while everyone waited for her to find her stuff. she should have kept it under lock and key in the first place if it meant so much to her. ah watever. dont wanna talk about her she came down today. half of me expected it. the other half was very surprised. she did tell me yesterday that she had no plans for today so i sorta expected she might just come down and find me. and there she was, standing in fronta the door grinning away. i cant say i was happy to see her, i was still fuming over last night. i practically ignored her te whole night, mostly because of work, but partially because i really didnt know what to say to her. i was quite overwhelmed in this sudden change in her. i could tell from our last quarrel that her attitude towards me has changed a little. i could tell from what she says that i mean a lot to her, the world even. i knew when she came down to find me that she loved me more than i did her. i am smoking a fag now. looking at the cigarette i wonder why i picked it back up. i stopped smoking quite some time ago and i often picked on her for smoking too much. now im filling my lungs with carbon monoxide. stress? that would be the main reason and common excuse. but i would say the main reason was her. as i looked at the fag burning down to its filter i wondered, is the flame of our love burning down too? Tuesday, August 10, 2004 want to write..but dont know what to write...things are very hot between the two of us now...yes we got back..but the mood is still very volatile...and me being busy with my stuff and work and all that didnt help. also didnt help that she ahs been getting very chummy with this one guy in her class, calling him sweetie and going to his place a lot. im very very cash strapped now. the school is pestering me to pay up the school fees and i got so many bills mounting im worried whether i got enough money to even eat!
she doesnt fully understand why i need to work so hard why i dont have time for her. im supporting myself in my living expenses. my time has to be spent devoted to my studies and work because i want to build a good foundation for the future! im 22 not getting any younger and cannot afford to waste time. i need to fully utilise my time to do things which would be beneficial to my future, and if she bears with this long enough, our future. somehow i think shes beginning to crack already. she is someone who needs a lot of time from her boyfriend as well as attention. i cannot give her that now. and the fact that she is getting upset and we are getting into arguments over this isnt helping the matter at all. she says she will keep quiet about it but knowing her she wont keep quiet for long. it wont be long before she blows up again. she shows to the whole world when she is upset and i can tell right from the tone of her voice when she is unhappy. so she cant hide from me if she is angry about stuff and then we will talk about it and almost always, argue. aud. think about this. either u accept the fact that i have to work to earn my living and try to support me in the going-ons of my life or u will have to just swallow it down and continue to be unhappy about it. for good or bad. u said this. remeber it. |
Richel A.K.A Bkoolz tag me 
my previous life
03/30/2003 - 04/06/2003 designed by lonelyger |
