why is it that when i try to amiably round up something you have to burst into rage? perhaps u are still in the threshold of pain. time will heal he wounds. you can scold me all you want. im not trying to be mr nice guy or anything. im not trying to buy your pity or get you to be angry by writing those stuff. i just want you to know how i feel, how disappointed i am. and i also want you to know that even after all this i still want to be friends with you. i really do. and no matter what happens i am still here for you. it doesnt matter if you want to avoid me or not acknowledge my existence, im here if u need me.

these few days have been bittersweet for me. im stuck in a bit of a funk. neither really moving forward or backwards each day. however, strangely im in peace with myself. sort of. i have paid off the last remaining big debt i have..the california fitness one and i have also finally sent out the audition notice. my last big problem is now finding a job. curiously, im still slacking at home now. i lack a stimulus to get off my butt to actually start doing stuff. too many days of inactivity is getting to me. another curiousity -- im getting to be a sort of home body now. i dun really like to go out and i dun like to stay out too late. at home its peaceful, quiet, safe. outside...too dangerous and perhaps too painful.

i wonder if its positive to stay in this funk or to get out of it and move into activity. i feel like swimming gymming and tanning again. however, it just seems so different to do it without her. haha..no gotta get used to this kind of life and to my new life. :) time will heal the pain.

gimme more time..and gimme more strength to get over this...

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[richel] [11/10/2004 12:15:00 AM]

a chapter of my life just concluded recently. a chapter of my life seemingly closed forever judging from the phone call yesterday. friendship seem to be impossible. the pains of breakup the catalyst for total severation of ties. ties that seemed unbreakable just a few weeks ago...
reading from her blog i had no idea this was coming..i had the naive thought that perhaps this was an amiable decision..that both of us agreed on this. how wrong could i be? this relationship ended in anger and ot happiness and it was just wishful thinking on my part for thinking it could be anything but that...

its difficult to forget someone you love..but isnt it much more difficultto hate that same person after spending 6 months virtually everyday with each other? how can you hate someone whom you say i love you to? how can you virtually expel that person from your life totally just by forcing yourself to forget him or her? its like when i lost my zen player and i cant forget it even until now after i had lost it for about 5 months already. and even when i finally do get my creative touch that zen player would always have a place in my heart. i wont tell the zen player to get out of my memory because it hurts too much thinking about you! why do people pay respects to the dead? why have funerals? why have graveyards? all places where the memories linger..where they constantly reminds people of painful pasts of lost love..

i dont believe in this way of 'treatment'. i believe to repair lost love you apply a good dose of love. instead of filling myself with horrible thoughts about how much life is going to be all shitty because she has left i tell myself that she is better off without me. i cause pain and anger and quarrels..now that im gone she will be able to have the freedom that she crave and desire. she would be able to go out with who she want when she wants and where she wants without anyone bothering her.

she is a free spirit. fly away audrey. but please leave your burden behind. and when you look back remember i will be there smiling and waving, wishing with all my heart that you will be happy..that one day you will find another bird who can fly along freely with you..that no matter what you can take confidence in that i will be there for you...watching over you...

take care.. :)

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[richel] [11/07/2004 06:56:00 PM]