my favourite part of the day, the part that i look forward the most, is when im taking my long walk back home from the mrt. the peaceful and theraputing walk back home always calms me down and gives me time to think, ponder and re-assess my life as of now. a lot of decisions i make, a lot of perspectives i adopt, a lot of ideas i create, all come from that long lonely walk.

this point of my life i just want to say im contented with how the way things are at the moment. chinese new year is coming. my brother's going to the army. i got lotsa work to do with motorola, act 3 and the necessary stage. money is slowly trickling in. i dont have to worry about when my next meal is going to be. ha! mum's happy or so i think she is. dont have to worry about us grown ups anymore. but still have to grapple with bills and payments over the new flat though. im pretty excited about starting school in a couple of months time. that should represent another chapter in my life. i have also of course given up smoking and adopting a healthier lifestyle not unlike 5 months ago. in between work i squeeze time to go swimming and work out. do wish fervently i have a work out partner though. but..sigh, no one around me seems to be in the keeping fit state of mind. oh well.

the only few problems i have are first and foremost, my romantic life. sigh. seems this problem has been bugging me my whole life. girls. too much of them. and my heart. alas! it cant stand the strain of romance. cant reject it outright or call it off totally. it would seem like im a creature of love and be-loves. romance is the like the air that i breathe without which i would wither and shrivel. but the torture that comes along with it, the pain! many would say im fickle hearted, that a man should treat a lady as mere pawns in the game of love. but what of casanova and all the other legendary lovers of history? were they not great men? and if they were not, how did the saying 'behind every great man is a woman' comes into being?

we are all creatures of affection. of care and concern. of love. some need it more than others. others just the bare minimum. there are also those who crave for it ceaselessly as would an alcoholic would liquor, as a drug addict would drugs. is love my heroin? would only an endless supply of romance suppress my addiction? would only an endless supply of romance from different sources quench my hunger?
i dont know. is it within me or is there some switch i can flick, some operation i can go under to help curb this?

relationships to me are both a salve and a prison. i feel trapped within yet the mere thought of being in one drives me into ecstacy. it makes me feel secure and confident yet at the same time drives me into the deepest pits of depression and infuriation. i cant be in one, yet i need a semblance of a relationship with some one to drive me on. or issit someone-s?

got work tomorrow. will continue this again....

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[richel] [1/19/2004 09:32:00 AM]