am in school now first lecture of the day. didnt do very well for the media and society test i think. am feeling very very strange. before i entered the school i had very high hopes. i felt i would ace the course but somehow or rather i am not doing so well now. no, not well at all.
my attendance is not food at all. this is mostly my fault. i am very angry with myself for all the classes i missed. some of them i skipped with reason but most...ARGG!!! terrible terrible. oversleeping. its times when i oversleep that i cursed the fact that i stayed so far away from school. i cursed the fact that i could have gotten my bike license a long time ago and would be riding to school now if not for my incompetence at the traffic police test. i blame only myself. semester is coming to an end. with the prospect of having to repeat a module on my very first year looming right in front of me i am virtually on the verge of killing myself. im very disappointed with how things are going. i just hope to trudge through whats left of this course this year and start the next semester with a renewed resolve.
relationship wise things are not very rosy..rocky at best. sigh..my fault maybe again. im under a lot of stress now from my mum and the current case. im worried that the case will affect me too. i dont want to go back in there. thinking about it makes me shiver. and the worst thing is there is no one i can turn to to talk about this! no one...there are so many things i want to talk to someone about but i cant. think my demented mind only some people will understand. sometimes i dont make sense to myself also. i need constant support but i cant seem to provide that same support to others. im incoherent now. just random ramblings about random thoughts in my mind.
again there is so many things i want to talk about but again i dont know what to type. i want to do so many things want to be so many things. i always aim to be the best no matter what i was engaged in. i want to be top in class. i want to be the most important figure in film and radio and theatre. i want to be respected to be admired to be consulted.
but i cant. i know psychologically i am weak. i am unbalanced. im too emotional. too many times i think with my heart and not my mind. which is why i can write. wirting gives me free reign to my emotions. writing IS broadcasting what i feel. there are no boundaries here. not like in real life. so many restrictions. i feel cooped up. boxed up. watched three yesterday. there was this story about how this sister murdered her twin by pushing her into a small box and locking her up. she then accidentally set fire to the box. i feel like im now in that box. burning. writhing in pain but no one can save me. no one knows how to open the box. no one can. everyone can only see me burn and there is nothing they can do at all.

im in pain. it doesnt show but im burning inside. my soul is crying out for help.
my eyes are brimming with tears but i cannot shed them.
my heart is bursting from my chest but no doctor can heal it.
my brain is rotting but no one can smell it.
im just a facade. if you delve into me you will find a corpse.
no one can revive me. im dead already.

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[richel] [9/13/2004 05:51:00 PM]

havent been updating this blog for quite some time. prolly because of work, prolly bec i dont know what to write, and more prolly bec this blog isnt getting quite so private anymore. people whom i dont want reading this stuff is reading it. prolly will change the address of this blog and spread it to only people i know well. but then again this is wat blogging is about isnt it? putting your life in cyberspace for all the pervs to see.

life is not going very well currently. not at all. family, relationships, studies, buisness. its all pretty fucked up. nothing is going right at all. NOTHING! i can literally feel life slipping away from my hands. feel everything starting to lose control. like i can only look at my life pass but i can do little to control the extent, to control the consequences of my every action. too many things are going on for me to stocktake. too many actions everyday for me to absorb. i want everything to stop. everything!

whoever is up there. bless me with the benefit of foresight. provide me with vision to see what will happen before i do something. bless me care so as to not hurt those i love and those who love me. bless me a heart of infinite patience and calm for i rage. and i rage. and i RAGE!

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[richel] [9/12/2004 08:48:00 AM]