im a very emotional person. i know and a few who knows me know.
i cry easily. i mean for a GUY i cry easily. i have mood swings periodically. yes, much like females have pms-s, though i dont think i have mood swings for much the same reasons. And i think a lot of times with my heart instead of my mind.
that last statement has a lot of minuses and very little pluses. as can be explained from todays events.
i didnt get through the next big thing. i totally didnt understand why and from my point of view i thought they would allow me to perform but to my and possibly the compere's shock, i didnt make it pass the gate.
i came down in a state of shock. reality has not sunk into me yet. i was still on the euphoric high of the adrenaline pumped up by nervousness. i was in a semi dream like state. i went on with my normal doings with not much after effects of the the whole situation.
things started to crash onli when the third and subsequently fourth person was chosen for to go through. that was when i realised how fucked up i was.
i got booted out of SI. booted out of this one also. what kind of IDIOT gets himself booted out, not even making past the first round, not making past THE FUCKING gate! i really dont understand what the hell is wrong.
i withdrew into myself. audrey had no idea how to deal with me then. i went into reclusive mode. totally oblivious to her or everything around me. my mind jus going over and over the whole thing, trying to figure out what went wrong. why did i not make it through? was i not good enough? or was i doing something very wrong? was it my dressing? the way i was speaking? wat i said? WAT THE HELL WAS FUCKING WRONG! i was on the verge of tears but i controlled myself. not because i was shy to cry but cause audrey wouldnt have any idea what to do.
audrey totally didnt know how to handle me when im like that and i cant blame her. i cant handel myself when im like dat and i cant teach nor try and impart methods to other people as to how to cope with me when im like dat. i dont even know how to handle them. these depressive attacks can be sparked off by major events like this or words that some one says or things i saw or watever. these attacks can last for a few moments or a few hours as was the case today.
i was jus maniac depressive for 2-3 hours, during which i did nothing but walking aimlessly with audrey trailing helplessly behind me. i had nowhere to go no knowledge of what to do with just the event flashing through my head. occasionally i wince and groan at the memory, a few moments close to tearing but i held it in. i felt like my world as i knew it had little point. my life i built on the belief that i was good enough to make it in the entertainment buisness and in fact my acting and singing and dancing capabilities i know are more than passable. With a little training i would be able to go the long way. but these two events shattered all my perceptions. i was not good enought o make it even past the first round of competitions. i was jus ismple not FUCKING good enough. then if im not good enough why then should i continue to pursue my dream? cause its my ambition u might say. but what good use is an unattainable ambition. i just didnt have the goods to make it. cant even get past the first round when so many others could.so many others are better than me. i just suck. im just no good. im just a young upstart with no talent. i cant get past the first round for gods sake!! my confidence was totally shattered. i didnt have the strength to speak coherently. my thoughts were jus jumbled up i an orgy of fucks and shits.
emotionally im so fragile. so bloody weak. emotions affect me so many times in my life. things in which i am expected to do well in i flop bec i allow emotions to come in and take control of me. confidence turns into doubts and into uncertainty into prophecies of doom within seconds. i cant control them. they have been within me since the hell teenage days i have had with my single mother when i was in secondary school. the psychological damages are still there, affecting me still today. i have built within me this world where i escape to when something hurts me. during this time i shut out everything leaving only basic movements to facilitate my existence. in short i turn into a robot on auto pilot. i smile but im not smiling. i talk but im not saying anything. i may laugh but i have no mirth.my soul has escaped into this world i have built since those abused teenage years. there i play with different versions of myself. i talk to myself and crack jokes with myself. when im down myself tries to comfort me but he cant do much. he can only run those memories by me time and again hoping that i would snap out of it after time. sometimes myself gets out of my world and takes over me. i get angry at the slightest reasons, or for none at all. i speak incoherently, lose track of all things i was suppose to do, and i lose all reason.
audrey got the brunt of him today, and she totally didnt know how to handle him. audrey if your reading this i jus want u to know that im sorry.. i really wanted to tell u whats wrong but u wouldnt understand. even now after u read this im also not so sure u would comprehend what u have just read. i will be more difficult to handle if i suffer another setback i know. i have no idea what i will do but all i can say that if these depression attacks come along i jus hope u will be a bit more uinderstanding. i know u have put in a lot of effort to be patient with me and i really appreciate it. but this psychological problem of mine is prob gonna be here for quite sometime. i jus hope that the next time it comes u can jus sit there quietly with me to ride it through.

going to sleep now. school starting later.

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[richel] [6/27/2004 10:35:00 AM]