had a very horrible night yesterday..and the worse thing was that im still not feeling any better. not at all. yesterday i was dj-ing at home when i thought of my grandfather and i decided to make him the topic for the night. i started off well..recounting how he fell when on his way to the toilet at night and lost consciousness and no one found him till morning, and of how he has to wear diapers now, and cnt walk anymore..and is a shadow of what he was in the past. i started talking about how for 7 years he has struggled with cancer and how the disease has slowly eaten him up, eaten up his flesh his mind his personality. he cannot even recognise his own daughter, my mother, now. i asked the listeners how they would react if they were in my granfather's shoes. slowly the comments started coming in. some of them said they would continue to bask in the care and concern of the family. some said they would fight on since they have already fought for so long.

selfish arses!!!

i dont understand how people can be so selfish! you have spent so much of your life bringing them up and now your kids are all married with grandsons. what is left in life for u to acheive? why drag them into a battle you know will never be won. you give birth to them gave life to them because you want them to carry on with life after you. not be warriors with you in a battle with death. you were a father to them, your children. do you really want them to see you at your worse. do you wan them to see you being tortured slowly into death? to see you slowly rot away into nothing?

what can you do then? no choice wat?

i will choose to die. suicide or watever. over this torture to my family and myself i choose death.

i broke down in the middle of the broadcast and i jus discontinued talking and jus played songs. had a very good talk with kar..and many people were also very concerned. but i was inconsolable. i had watched the death , caused it even, and now i was in the pressence of another grandfather dying and i could do nothing about it. again.

i had a horrible thought. to go kill him. in fact i thought about it so much that i almost went to do it. to put him out of his misery. but..i didnt. i couldnt. i couldnt bear it. sigh...what can i do? so many people has talked to me has advised me..but i jus cannot find the right way. to jus carry with life as normal? his shadow of pain hangs over me like a shroud. fuss over him and take care of him in the best that i can? i can see in his eyes that he wants out. that he wants all this to end as soon as possible. what the fuck should i do? what indeed..

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[richel] [10/06/2003 03:14:00 AM]