very very sad day for me. when will this sorrow ever end. quarreled with my mum again. she found out that my bike got stolen and she flew into a rage about why i didnt tell her about it. i tried to explain to her that it owuld be of no consequence as i wanted to but a new bicycle back. didnt see the point of telling her and getting her all flared up and giving me the i-told-u-so kind of lecture when it wasnt my fault at all. the bicycle was stolen but she wouldnt care whether it was or not it would still be my fault.

slowly the argument escalated into an all out screaming session. i didnt know why angry disappointed and sad tears jus kept pouring down my face. she ranted about how its impossible that i dont have money when i seem to be so busy. how al my money must be going onto my own pleasure and entertainment. i told her that act 3 dont pay a lot. and motorola dont pay me every month. more like once every one and a half to two months. and once i got my pay i had to settle about two months hp bill, insurance, money to her, sometimes groceries and also transport and food. transport and food takes up such a huge portion of my money that sometimes i dont eat altogether and has taken up walking to the mrt stations to save on travelling. and she jus screams at me that im doing it all for myself. none for the family. then why am i hiring the ah sum for? to escape out of sweeping the floor or moping? no its because i know i wont have much time or energy after work to do those chores and so would she. so i hired one to help her. i give her money every month. use my own money to buy groceries when ever i can. milk, juice. then she just comes to me and tell me i have been doing it all for my own sake.

that hurt...the pain..the blind fury and anger!! i wanted so much to jus scream and knock myself against the wall. the pain that throbbed through my whole body made me tremble uncontrollably. why couldnt she see the work im putting in!! why doesnt she understand? im not making big bucks now. im working so hard now to build experience, contacts which i feel is more important then money in the years to come. ah..these few months..to think that all along i had her support. that i could count on her for her understanding and help when im tired and in need. i dont think so now. results. is that all that matter to u my mum? is money all that important? isnt my happiness my future important to you?

i really want your support your understanding. like u have mine. thats why when u vent ur frustrations on me i dont blame u. i still love u as much. will still work as hard for the family. but inside im bitter. and sad. i need ur support and understanding. do you know how much energy it saps out of me when i know that u cannot fathom why im doing what im doing now. working so hard for seemingly so little returns? i tried telling u so mnay times gently. coaxingly. but nvm..time mum. in time u will know that i work hard for u. for the family. time..all it takes is time...

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[richel] [11/24/2003 09:35:00 AM]