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Thursday, August 19, 2004 audrey i dont know anyother way to put this gently to you but we really are over. i know you still very badly want us to be back together againa nd im very touched that you have gone through all the trouble to help me find contestants yesterday and to even go through your canteen to ask people you dont know. that really meant the world to me. but that doesnt mean we're gonna be back together again.
why? i know you have promised me that you will change your mindset and that you will be my little 'puss' from now. but are you really happy like that? dont change yourself for me unless you see value in the change. if its just for me then thats not worth it. dont force yourself to think a different way just because someone tells you to do it. do it because you believe that its for the greater good of yourself. move on with life and u will definately be much happier. its gonna hurt for a while but i know you will climb straight up. you will find a guy who can give u all the time and material stuff you need. most importantly, there is someone else already. we have ahd a lot of happy times and i will always remeber all that you have done for me. we could have salvaged the relationship but the repair came too little too late. its time to move on. i sincerely hope you will devote your time to your studies and find value in why you are doing it. dont do it for me. do it for yourself. im always here if you need me, and anytime u need someone to accompany you can just tell me. but im not your boyfriend anymore. hope you understand and hope you will be happy for me. Monday, August 16, 2004 just back home from quite a hectic day. was suppose to dedicate the day to shooting but didnt really go as planned. day started out still fine. we met early and i started rehearsing the actors (or actor as there was only one there). it went on fine till the equipment came. turned out we didnt get ourselves a svhs tape. so went the merry go round to get the tape. got the tape at only about 815pm. so shooting commenced.
then there were many cock ups as we discussed vigourously on what lighting to use and what angel to shooot at and how many takes to have. the actors also cocked up a few times but i dont blame them as the girl playing ah ling's sister had very little time to prepare. then we were very pressed for time. finished at around 1030 and i am not altogether pleased with the results. and tomorrow we only have about 3 hours of shooting time!! stressed...hopefully things will go better tomorrow then it did today. she came down to find me today. waited for about 4 hours plus for me to turn up. i found her crying at the mrt control station. we talked. cant say i was not touched with her today. she really showed me a lot of sincerity as well as practically pleaded to be back with me. i could really see that she wanted me back. my heart was very much near to the point of giving in. when she asked me whether i still loved her or not i didnt know what to say. i didnt want to say anything. the formost thing on my mind then was to get her home asap. i didnt want her to stay out on a school night. she tried to get intimate with me but i sort of stayed away. i could tell that it hurt her and i very much wanted to tear my heart out that very moment but i held myself in. i knew very clearly that nothing much has changed since we last broke up. if we get back together again at this point we will end up quarreling over the same thing a few weeks later. the only thing that would be able to salvage us would be if her mindset chages. if she still believes that she is more important than my career and if she still believes that i shold hold her in more importance with the management of my time then well, chances of us being together will never be higher than slim. Sunday, August 15, 2004 the weekend has passed. im into my term break now. which means a good rest, finally. the white dot party during the week end was a resounding success and i feel so proud. its like watching my baby grow up from an infant into a toddler who can walk now. white dot has been my baby as much as it has been william's. i will be waiting for it to graduate onto chinablack and get the citibank's sponsorship. when we reach that level of financial platform, we ARE going to get somewhere.
my turn in the channel u's next big thing got broadcast on sat. a lot of people flooded my hp with messages like 'were you on tv?' and my now infamous phrase 'ying tao xiao zhui'. still thought that i should have gotten in and on retrospect, i didnt really do very badly with the judges. prob shouldnt have said that ying tao thing or wore that terrible shirt, but well, it was good experience while it lasted. the show also brought back memories of me and her when we were in better times. i still rem when i got kicked out of the show how depressed i felt and how she was there. though she didnt know what to do she was still there by my side as i went through my senseless ravings. that memory brought a bittersweet smile to my face. she was there on sat. she came down with her friends, one of which was a contestant for the podium dancing competition. and another guy. most prolly (audrey chua...u see la...influence me write 'prolly' now) its not her date and she just called him down to accompany her, but i got jealous all the same. she made a show of not talking to me the whole night even at times when she had to to convey details of her friend. she made it a point to talk to my assistant rather than me. oh well. i really hope we will still be friends. because of time we drift apart. i hope in time, we will learn the value of being together again. |
Richel A.K.A Bkoolz tag me 
my previous life
03/30/2003 - 04/06/2003 designed by lonelyger |
