i very sad. why u may ask. how do i explain?
she ran away with another guy?
but i expected it.
im a hopeless romantic.
when i fall i love its forever.
she can dump me again and again. (the 3rd time in 4 years)
but id she comes back again i will still take her.
y? shes a bitch.
because this is what love is for me.
it fades but it never really goes away.
it forgives everything. lives forever.
now?
i just have to get drunk.
again and again.
y?
helps to numb the pain.
helps to forget temporaraily.
allows the tears to fall.
i cant cry out otherwise.
the tears jus wont come easy.
i love but u am hurt.
but without hurt would it be love?

---

[ ]


[richel] [3/11/2004 09:23:00 AM]

ever heard of pandoras box? the box that pandora opened that released all of the evil into the world?

i opened pandoras box.

i knew this was going to happen. yet i went ahead and did it. i knew i was going to be hurt yet i somehow welcomed the pain with open arms.

i asked for this. 4 years after she broke my heart i literally begged to be cut open again. am i a sadist? or do i feel this is my cross? that i have to nailed to it to atone for the sins i have committed in the past to everyone else?

my life was good before this. i opened the box and released all the evils back into my life. without realising it even, she has made my life a mental hell. everyday im tormented by her actions, actions i have no right to even protest against since they make up the very essence of my affection for her. ever been in a situation where anywhere u turn, be it left or right, u are greeted by daggers sticking themselves down your throat?

the worst thing is that i can tell no one about how i feel because it would be frivolous to even try to explain wats on my mind to other people. no one i know now knows what happened between us 4 years ago. how we got together how we broke up and how hard i tried to make us work then. Or should i say now also. it would feel like childish whinings and moanings about kiddy adolescent puppy love complains to other people if they were to just hear how i feel straight up. without prior knowledge of my past they would not and cannot understand the depths of my anguish.

a lot has changed yet nothing seemed to. that which i hoped would have, has not. why keep with it then? love? ah that must be the most foolish of reasons if i can get so much more of that from others. i dont know. i dont know why im staying put why im not flaring up at her and why im the one crawling back to her even after what she has done to me. this mental torture is driving me back into my shell. i feell more and more need to be isolated. to be alone and quiet. when i laugh i feel no joy. when i hope for tears to come none would. when i wake up each day i feel no purpose.

my soul. weary. jus trudging along.

---

[ ]


[richel] [3/07/2004 09:08:00 AM]