looking for a place to stay is so frightening when assesing your own financial status.

Home is nw like a war zone. I dread going home.

Friends have been asking me why wont i stand up to my mum and tell her what i want. She's my mum, no matter how unreasonable she is, i can never muster enough courage nor disrespect to scold her, or scream at her. I can never be like my brother. I will only suffer in silence.

This suffering in silence has affected me more than i know. Self-confidence depletes everytime i encounter my mum in a warring mood. I am already 23 this year. I need to get a grip on my life. Even if i have to struggle through everything i have to do i have to do it.

My limited friends out there. This is a cry for help. I wont be able to show how grateful i am. Im emotionally handicapped in that way. But my gratitude will know no bounds. In a selfish and dog eat dog world, any ray of light would be fully appreciated.

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[richel] [9/09/2005 02:54:00 AM]

These few days have been traumatic for me.

First, i once again gave a very poor showing of myself at a public venue. Secondly, I'm sick. Thirdly, my mom and i had another big fight again.

Am looking for a place now to stay. I can't stay in a place where my freedom and my life is restricted. I will stiff. Feel powerless to pursue my dreams. My goals. I feel like i'm weighed down by the burdens of sustaining a family even before i'm married.

I told my mum before. If getting a flat of our size means additional financial burden to you then get a smaller flat. But bec of face, she has to get one of this size bec she dont want people to despise her.

She hated the play i acted in because it had homosexual content, and it made her lose face in front of her friends.

She would rather i work to help support the house then i complete my studies. Why does she always have to feel that I'm not interested in completing my studies. Cant she give me the support i need? Encouragement? She feels that i'm already 23 i should be the one supporting her and giving her encouragement instead.

When I didnt make it through the auditions, she just scolded and scolded. I was already damm down already, scolding me some more would not make things better, or chage things. It was a big blow to me not making it. You dont have to keep blaming me and speaking as though u know a lot about the industry. Watching a lot of korean movies and shows does not make you an expert!

I have been trying so hard to become famous or even to finish my diploma bec i dont want you to lose face. You have kept telling me for so many years that you dont want to go around telling your friends that your son has only o'level results while other people's son is already earing 4000 plus a month with masters degree. FINE OK! I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR STUDYING SO MUCH OR EARNING A LOT!! WHAT U WANT TO DO? GO AND GENETICALLY ALTER MY FUCKING BRAIN LA! YOU GAVE BIRTH TO THIS BRAIN! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TRYING TO MOULD THIS PERSON INTO A SON YOU WANT, RATHER THAN ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM AND GIVE ME ENCOURAGEMENT IN WHAT I WANT TO DO!

IF YOU WANT SOME ONE TO FUCKING CONTROL WHY DONT YOU GET A DOG INSTEAD?

I'm moving out now. Out of this house and if possible, out of this country. Now i know why so many local talents flee our country to go overseas. Government? No.

Its mothers.

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[richel] [9/06/2005 10:34:00 PM]