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Thursday, November 25, 2004 I DON"T LOVE YOU ANYMORE
theoretically i thought the above statement was impossible. but i have heard it. the impossible has happened. she told me that she has no feelings for me anymore. the love is gone. forever. nothing was going to bring it back ever again. simple direct words. shattered me again. i looked at her blog and saw the source of those words. she is in love. with someone from work. my eyes misted over. tears were forcing their way down my cheeks. i didnt want to cry in front of my mum so i went out and just walked and kept the tears in. i walked to a drain. lit and cigarette and screamed. i screamed. i cried. jaz called and i tried to keep my voice down but i know im going to bawl again so i said i will call back later. i looked at my cigarette and those words just flooded into my mind. I'm in love. i thought about the last time i cried like this. it was during my grandfathers funeral. his death was slowly sinking into me and i just bawled out in front of al my relatives. yesterday night i was alone. just screaming. i let out all the sorrow and pain inside of me as i stared up into the night sky with tears filled eyes. like my grandfather's funeral i knew a day of reckoning has arrived. i have to carry on. a chapter, a big chapter of my life has passed and i have to carry on. life is actually not too bad now. everything is going on quite well. i just have to l'earn to accept it and in her own words, leave her alone. im gonna cut the line soon. should be done by this weekend. then the last remaining tie with her will be severed. will learn to leave you alone. i wish u happiness. goodbye is always the hardest thing to say. none harder than the one i have to say now. for it is the only one that i have ever said, which will mean forever. Wednesday, November 24, 2004 sitting at home cutting my nails. they are long. my mind is preoccupied with stuff. What stuff exactly i cant tell. '
my soul is very important to me. at times i feel im in control of it at times i think i have no idea whether it is there or not. i know i am constantly in denial. in denial of how and what i feel, denying what makes me happy and what makes me sad. i looked through our photos just now. i felt a stab through my heart as i looked at them. i look happy. did i feel happiness then? did i feel contentment? i think i did. i look into the mirror now and look at myself. my eyes are red. am i feeling remorse now? am i sad? i dont know for sure. i dont know how i feel anymore. even as im typing this im asking myself why. what kind of emotion am i feeling now? a kind of neutral, calm state? or am i actually burning inside? i can get physical company anytime i want. but thats such a lameass thing to do. most of the time im alone. i think to myself. i accompany myself. i talk to myself. its easier. i dun have to think. i know what to tell myself, i dun have to fake my emotions. i dun have to cater to anybody's needs. wouldnt it be something if i could just have a relationship with myself?" i really need a smoke right now. she just came online.' i dont know why seeing her nick pop up have such a big impact on me. but at least im clear about what emotion im feeling now. shattered. |
Richel A.K.A Bkoolz tag me 
my previous life
03/30/2003 - 04/06/2003 designed by lonelyger |
