*todays joint horoscope*

You and kArEn can overcome any bumps on the road.
You two usually see pretty much eye to eye, but this is an unusual situation. A little conflict in a friendship is to be expected, though -- and can actually be constructive. Don't get bent out of shape, and stick to the issue at hand (no name-calling!); you may have quite an interesting debate (though it's unlikely anyone's mind will be changed). In the end, you get a little practice seeing another point of view (always good), and you get to be magnanimous (even though your point of view is clearly right).

Strange how right this prediction is. And how wrong it is also.


Felt a sudden tug of my heart when i read her blog just now. She is dating already, and her sights are already set on another guy. Deja vu. Those who have read my previous blogs when i broke up with aud would know that soon after breaking up with me, she went with another guy.
And the saddest moment -- or not one of the -- in my life, was when she proclaimed in her blog that she has fallen in love with someone else. That night i went to the canal beside my place and cried and screamed my heart out. That was the night my heart was broken into a million pieces. That was the night i swore the next girlfriend i found will not break my heart like this again. That was the night i went back to smoking again.

NOpe, i havent smoked in 5 days. Last stick i smoked was sunday, after that big argument with her at hello. I havent gone out much too except to eat. I tried without success again yesterday to patch up with her. *itching for a beating i suppose* Anyway, she went offline when i asked and didnt answer my calls. Well, thats that. I have had two presents i had to give her but i dont thing she would see me now. The first one isn't much work at all, but the second one which i was planning to give her after her trip to genting (with the new guy and friends) was really painstaking work. Not to mention costing quite a bit. I doubt if i ever will have the chance to pass it to her personally. But i will try. If not, i will dump it. *crazy*? Well, i suppose it wouldnt have much meaning if i left it by my side right? Anyway, we'll just see how it goes.

My mum is leaving singapore in June, going to australia to interview and hopefully work there. In a few years, prolly get her pr there also. I am so happy for her! This could be such a big chance for her to finally get something she deserved. When she retires there, she gets 300 a month for the rest of her life!! Wow!! Over and on top of her savings that is. She also says that after she gets her pr, she will get us to go over there with her. I have always wanted to leave Singapore so i wouldnt mind though i dunno what my brother would say. It will be a good chance for me to leave this sad place behind. I have had too many heart breaks here already. And i too have broken too many hearts. I can't make friends here and everyone is too materialistic. Australia may be more to my liking. But thats wat if.

Anyway, I will be in charge of the flat when she's gone. The master bedroom would have to be rented out o help recoup some cost. I might change to sleep in the study room or my bro might go to a hostel or something. Just plans now. Got to see how her interview goes. I was telling karen about all this and how i showed my mum her audition video for the channel u superstar thing. I was so proud of her. And i could see my mum approved also. But i guess i will have to break the news to her soon. Reality is slowly sinking in. I will have to accept that love is just like this. It flows away as quickly as it comes for her. My wallpaper will change soon and I'm pretty sure she will get a new bf very soon. Life goes on.

Perhaps this is why i want to leave Singapore. Its getting to real for someone like me.

I want to thank all the friends who have gone throught this difficult period with me. Crystal especially, you have gone through with me so much, through so many of my heartbreaks. I just wan to say sorry to you for not being able to give you what you want though i really tried. I really did. To irvin and jas, you guys are really so lucky. I hope you guys will get married and irvin, i really hope you would appreciate jas for her infinite patience and buddha like temper. To jolin, haha...bro..your reality talk is really settling into me now. Yeah, you are straight forward when i was dreaming and i suppose some of what you said really makes some sense now. Peiqi..i really pity your situation now. Though u will never read this blog i just want to say thank you so much. You brought food and brought me to see the doc when i couldnt walk even when you didnt have much money left with you too. Your situation will resolve in time I hope though i don't tink him staying with you will solve much. You took a long time and many obstacles to realise what you want, dont give up now. I'm too, in the process of finding myself again.

These few days of doing nothing but sleeping and thinking has done me not much good. I'm going for quite a couple of things tomorrow and sunday will be my first emcee gig in a long time. I want to be fully prepared for it and do well. It might signal more good things to come.

T whoever reads this blog, thank you so much for your comments and your time. I can never say all this stuff verbally. There are some things which i can only convey with words and this blog is the perfect example. I hope all you guys will continue to take time to read my thoughts in the days, months, years to come.

Good night.

---

[ ]


[richel] [4/13/2005 09:44:00 PM]

Yesterday after meeting her and passing her wat was supposed to be our second month present, I sort of felt part of my whole sink to a new low. When she gave me a hug as she was about to leave, i could sense the detachment again. I still can't bring myself to accept how fast things have changed. How everything seemed to have turned 360 degrees within the space of a few days. Had i given her this present when we were still together, she would have jumped up and down in joy, flew into my arms and kissed me till i suffocate. Now, its 'thank yous' and 'its very sweet'.

I'm not disputing that its warm to see her smile affectionately again. As compared to sunday, today she was a real angel. And I could see that she was really happy and surprised by the present. That already, in itself, is a sort of present to me. I was happy to see her happy. At least for that one moment i could see her looking at me not with hurt and anger, but with warmth and happiness.

After that i went drinking. And somehow, i couldnt help but notice everyone who was there was attached with the exception of me. Jolin was attached. And happily. Kerene was attached. And happily. Irvin and jas. They have been together for donkey years already. Saving money to get a flat soon already. And i'm thinking to myself, how did they managed to keep together for so long. I have been out with them for so many times, and each time i always see Jas being the one who gives in to him. When he wants to go drinking and Jas doesn't, somehow in the end, Jas would end up having to give way. Irvin isn't exactly the most faithful of boyfriends either. But somehow, Jas puts up with it and even sends him home when he is drunk. I heard that they broken up before because Irv went with another girl. But they got back after Irv broke up with the gal.

Now you guys might think that Irv must be one lucky SOB and i think so too. Jas is really a good girlfriend. Though not in all pretty and quite fat actually, she is independent, capable, resourceful, has a real good temper, and most importantly, watever the situation, she cares and is selfless. I'm not saying that i'm interested in her. For gods sake she is my boss. Irvin is just lucky to have her but he sorta doesnt know it. My point is that somehow, the two of them managed to get on for so long, though i have to say that on the most part it has to be Jas credit.
I'm listening to her song now and dreaming about what life could have been had we not had that holiday or something. I may be a stupid idiot. Like i said, the whole world can scold me and say im immature or i should grow up and all. Maybe you guys should like at yourself and ask yourself, do you guys know me? Do you know my inner turmoils and struggle with trying to comprehend the necessities of everyday life? HOw meaningless i find waking up each day if it aint for love. Many of you guys can get on fine without loving someone. I cant. I feel empty, pointless, irrelevant. I'm sure many of you wouldnt understand it. Just like you wouldn't understand why i was allegic to chocolate and ice cream. I'm born like that. And the sooner you guys accept it, the better.


Otherwise, just pretend I'm mentally sick.

---

[ ]


[richel] [4/13/2005 01:42:00 AM]

this is going to quite a long entry.

listening to Maxwell now...beautiful. Sad. Makes me think about wandering aimlessly at night just drinking and crying. I would if my feet didnt hurt.

THESE ARE THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE

10. Time is an eternity when you're without them
9. Time stops when you're with them
8. The thought of them makes you shiver
7. The sound of them makes you smile
6. When seeing them, you can't see anything else
5. You start to listen to happy love songs
4. You actually enjoy happy love songs
3. The smell of them makes you see fireworks
2. You find yourself smiling constantly
1. You'd do anything, even die, for them

Now think for a moment, if your attached now, whether u feel any of the above symptons. Maybe you will tell me, well its been a long time already, the above emotions are felt in only your honeymoon period. Its impractical to think that one can feel this way forever.

Call me a dreamer. I long for the above forever. It doesn't matter how impractical im being or how stupid it may seem to everyone. I know a lot of people grew up wanting a relationship which is lovey dovey sweet and stare-into-each-others-eyes-all-day kind. After some time, after numerous heartbreaks, every one seems to have 'woken up' and face reality. Impossible, it seems, to maintain a lovey dovey relationship all the time.

Yet i have seen it done before, albeit in the movies that is. Old folks in times of disaster, choosing to die together, in each other's arms, instead of trying to fight for survival without each other. Everytime i see this i cry, and then i emerge from the cinema with swollen eyes but filled to the brim with hope and passion towards my current relationship -- or if im single, future one. The movie that affects me the most, never fails to make me cry + always makes me send out an sms to either my current girlfriend or my ex if im single, is Romeo and Juliet. And the exact moment when i will tear is just about when Romeo drinks the poison and Juliet wakes up (for those who have no idea what im talking about should hang themselves with the nearest available string. Underwear also can.)

You see, I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe love shouldnt be all about practicals. It shouldnt be about money or status or the 5 Cs, it should just be two person in love with each other just being together. That should be the primary focus of the relationship, not whether or not the bf has money or is goodlooking and can be shown off to friends, or whethere the girl is hot, has a good body and can be used for marathon romps in the bedroom. NO! Many of us has lost this focus when getting into a relationship, focusing all our energies on the practicalities of life or the relationship. That is why so many divorces are taking place. That is why so little children are being born. Couples focus so much on the result of a relationship RATHER than the relationship itself.

I made this mistake myself recently. I had a gf. Her name is karen. She is pretty, talented and most importantly, she never fails to make me smile by saying, "eh why u lick me" everytime i does so. Ha, i cant help smiling even now. She was my junior in secondary school. I didnt talk to her much then cause her friend was interested in me and she just happened to be around. Of course it didnt help that then she was small and nerdy and very unattractive at all. Anyway we lost touch after i graduated.

Last year when i first got into poly, i bumped into her and i remarked to myself, wow, its amazing what a few years can do to your appearance. She is beautiful now, stunning actually. I can still remember her features from way back but she seems to have taken those normal features and somehow made it into something so very interesting. In her own words, she was a cross between nnadia chan and xu huai yu. I wasnt very interested though at first cause i had audrey then. We exchanged numbers and that was that.

SOmehow fate dealt us a hand when it made us meet at rouge. That night she was drinking over a heart break while i was in the process of my own. We talked and i took care of her as she got drunk. We talked about a lot of things and i told her -- when she said she might now love again -- to always keep on loving for its is not how long u love someone that is important, but its the process that you will always remember. That night was the first day i knew the real her.

From that day on we met up frequently in school and went out together. Not one day did we fail to meet. Soon we got attached to each other and we were inseperable. We went swimming together, to eat, go out walking, watching movies. We were so happy together it seems time would stand still. Seems like love was on its way into our lives again.

But fate again it seems, can take away what it gives. We started quarreling. At first i thought it was just going to be those normal lovers quarrel. But slowly it began escalating and exposed the deep cracks within out relationship. She wasnt over her ex yet and she couldnt put her mind fully into our relationship. I wanted her to focus because i was afraid if she did not i would lose her. She has a bad temper which i could not stand. And her ethopian attitude towards my smoking and drinking and clubbing was something i had to find a way to put up with.

But i felt if we both tried and compromised, things will only get better. I'm sure this was justa small glitch in out happiness. We can work this out, no problem. Then it started getting from bad to worse. We would have heated quarrels where she would flare up and we would end a happy day on a horrible note. I thought that its ok, once we are throught his difficult phase we are going to be stronger together and much happier. But the relationship deteriorated to the point i called a stop to it. She was getting to be like dynamite and i really couldnt stand it so i told her to go sort out her feelings. To get over her ex fully and when she comes back i want full committment from her to us.

Within the space of a few days, she came back and told me she did it. That she has somehow thrown her ex out of her mind and could committ fully to me now. I was skeptical and was afraid. I didnt think it was possible. I had so much fear i rejected her.

I had no idea why i did it. I deceived myself saying that it was her temper, that i couldnt stand it anymore. BUt i still couldnt contemplate the things i did. I ignored her phone calls and sms. I ignored her when she was crying. I ignored her when she begged to see me. I ignored her even when she was right in front of me crying.

Why would any sane human being do that?

Was it that i didnt like her enough? No. Was it that her temper was really bothering me that much? No. What was it then? I don't know. Why did i react the way i did? For the ways i said and did things shocked me. I hurt her so much and i couldnt possibly comprehend the damage i did to her heart. Yet i did it. Sitting down here in front of my com and reflecting upon what happened and struggling to find a reason why, i wished i could reach a hand into my heart and just stop it from beating. Because in all this lunacy and madness i can yet find an answer. Even after drinking barrels and barrels in my dispair i could not yet discover the key to this madness.

She is now gone. NO matter what i did or i try to do will change her mind. She is hurt too much she says. She cant bring herself to love me ever again. Within the space of five days she has succeded in throwing me out from within herself. She has given up all hope of us being back together again and hopes that i will just let her be.

Her total change in attitude took some time to sink in. Even after reading her post in our blog i couldnt believe that she has given up. But her attitude yesterday woke me up and shook me over. Ice cold and cool, she rejected all my pleas and cries. I tried to touch her and she brushes it off as though it were a irritant. I tried to talk about us but she ignored me with such a non chalance it frightened me. Were humans really capable of such inmotion? We are over. No chance at all of us being together again. NO chance at all.

I felt a knife stab right through my heart. The love we once shared, all the times we spent together, all the memories and laughs we had all gone within the space of a few days. Love. The eternal all consuming emotion that i felt would be the last thing ever on the face of this earth to disappear, was gone. She had changed into someone i could no longer recognise. She was no longer the one whom a month back stood in front of the mrt station and whispered shyly to me that she loves me.

I want to type more. In fact, i should to exorcise the demons within me. To clear this madness that has been my sickness for so long. But there is another way that all this madness within me can be quenched. A way that i have tried before some time ago but failed. Everytime i hear the words i don't love you anymore and the knife within heart is driven deeper, i think of death. I think how death would solve everything. Irresponsible? No. My family would be well taken care of with my insurance. And who would cry at my funeral? My friends? Little few, none close at all. My relatives? I'm the stain in their impeccable record. More than glad to be rid of me. My mum? Yes she would cry and wail. But i will free her to live her own life. I will be one less burden for her and the money my death will provide will take care of her for the rest of her life. In death i wil be doing more for her than in life. Karen? She will cry. But she will get over it. Everybody does. Thats how little life means to everyone. Someone dies everyday. Who cares?
But love. The only reason why i still live is for love. Love is the only thing that keeps me going on in life when everything is down. Im a romantic. I can live without food and water but not without love. Immature? Childish? Impractical? No. This is my beliefs. My ideals in life. I dont give a fuck what all of you think. You can say its just a stage in my life all you want i dont care. You can say i dont know what i want. Pray tell me, can you be more sure than i am about what i want? If you do please, come live my life for me. Maybe thats why i dont have friends. Bec i dont think the way normal people do. I think about everything, i thinkk about things from different perspectives, i lead my life differently too.

So my death wouldnt really affect anyone would it, cept my mum? karen just persuaded me not to do it, saying that killing myself would not make her happy. Not being with you wouldnt make me happy too but i still have to do it. Why? Cause it will make you happier, u think?

Let me think some more. Someone within myself is crying out to be released? Is it me? Or is it whoever is typing this entry. . .

---

[ ]


[richel] [4/11/2005 05:27:00 AM]