Maybe i should have anticipated this.
It happened again.
Maybe i should have avoided this.
She up and left
Again.
Times have changed.
She's getting a lot of attention from other guys now.
Who am I?
Maybe i should call her again when I'm Rich,
Famous,
Or when I'm Older.
Maybe then would she be interested.
I got no time to entertain your whims and fancy now.
I need to work.
I need to rest.
I need you to just leave me alone.
It doesnt matter that i had a good time that night,
Or that i can say i miss you.
All that matters is that i got to work to survive
And i have to rest.
You cannot support me can you?
So just leave me alone.
I will find you when i have the time,
Or the energy,
Or when i feel like it.
Richel,
This is your retribution.
You deserve this.
For lying to me in the past,
You are doomed to suffer for eternity,
Tormented forever by me,
Your mind, your emotions,
Will always be at my mercy.
Go,
Try and love some one else.
You will never succeed.
You will fail. You will drive the one you love away.
Everytime.
And there is nothing you can ever do about it.
At all.


Because your mind,
Is mine.

---

[ ]


[richel] [7/02/2005 09:00:00 AM]

We met today. Out of the blue she came back again. I half anticipated that she would disappear again like she has over the past 7 years. But she did turn up.
She looked different. Smaller, much thinner, hair now rebonded straight. But her smile never changed. Its still obviously her.
Strange how somethings can change in the world but some things just seem to never age. Its been so long...so many years already yet she still holds that magic upon me. She was my first love and arguably the one i loved the most truly. Yet it was also I who lost her which probably sent me into the spiral of self distructive relationships i have been having for the past few years. I have said i love you to 3 other people since her and none of them worked out. Did i love them as much as i loved her?

You know at some point of time i have told almost everyone i know about des. If you've been following my blog you would also be familiar with her as i have been making references to her throughout my blog's history. To those i have said i love you, i have also told them about des, whether they remember it or not. Many have asked me whether i still loved her. I told them without a doubt yes, that love never really goes away. It just resides dormant in a part of your heart together with your memories and pain. What is love then if its meant to come and go as it pleases. Thats why when i say i love you, it means forever. Many have asked me before, if she were to come back to me even after so many disappearing acts she has pulled, would i still take her back? Take all her emotional instabilities, all her insecurities, all her burdens and problems back? I said no, because she has changed into someone different already.

But she was the same old her just now. Was this just a temporal illusion? When willl she disappear again? I don't know the answers. I'm still afraid any random thing i do or say might set her off and i wouldn't be able to find her for perhaps another year.

But now that she's still here, while i still can see her smile, while i still can hear her voice, or look at her while she blushes, i'm contented. I don't know when she will be gone again, but i have learnt to adapt myself emotionally. Many times i resent her, she has no idea how much it affects me everytime she ups and leave just like that. Life is like that, you have no idea when someone important to you will disappear forever. Treasure the person if he/she is right in front of you now. When you can see, touch and feel the person. For once they leave your sight, it may be the last time you ever see them again.

---

[ ]


[richel] [6/28/2005 09:19:00 AM]

Hands up those who have seen the mtv for ye zhi.

Not many?

Its a mtv about this gal who has the talent in singing and it starts as she and her bf were outside a building waiting to go for an audition for singers. While practising outside, she gets nervous and her voice got tight. Her bf told her to relax. She says she's thinking about what if she makes it as a star, wouldn't it be difficult for them to be together?

Her bf says not to worry, that no matter what, he will be like a leaf (ye zhi) fluttering by her side forever. No matter what happens.

Straight after that, in the next scene, he gets knocked down by a car.

Every time i watch this mtv, i never fail to choke up at the part where she asks the question about whether if she becomes a celebrity the relationship would be able to last. She and I had a struggle with this problem to. It was one of the reasons that led to our big break up. Strange how things change so drastically over a matter so indistinct. Somehow we have become enemies now. Somehow all the happy things that we have done in the past are just that -- memories. Even now, almost three months past, whenever i look at the pictures we have taken, the hearts that she has folded for me, the cards that she written, the two-dollar-note-folded-heart, i can't help but feel sad.

But she is obviously happy now. She's got a guy who takes care of her, even proposed marriage to her. Me? haha...

I wish i wasn't born so sensitive or my mind so imbalanced. Sometimes i get to a point whe i think my mind challenges social conventions, challenges the very basis of human life itself. I need mental stimulation and i crave for a partner who can engage herself with me. I crave someone who ... i dont know... just someone i can feel really comfortable with. I got girls who can stand all my quirks and idiocyncrasies with the utmost patience and i admire them for that. BUt they bore me. I want to be challenged, to feel like i have a purpose in carrying on. Otherwise everything i do goes down the drain. I wanna feel motivated which is why i handle every one i meet like they are a challenge. But like batteries, their power over me lasts only for a short while. Then they start to get irritating. People will say I'm a jerk off and that i shouldnt treat people like that.

I feel like a activist born in a communist country. I feel like crying out against the norms of human behaviour but i can't. Every where around me people are so conventional, so safe, so normal, so Singaporean. I can't breathe or speak my mind without being ostracized. People are so used to being in a system they get afraid or threatened when someone breaks the circle od security. Whats wrong with doing something another way if you can get the same result or even better results? Whats wrong with trying a method that has bever been tried?Whats wrong with going against a tried and proven method? Whats wrong with being yourself? People try to mould you into being what they want you to be.

Laws and legislation in Singapore would one day be the shroud of the biggest creative talents here locally. Without a free realm to explore and experiment, artists will never realise their full potential. The creative scene -- and for the matter the people too -- in Singapore will never match up with those of Europe.

I am choking. I shout at the top of my voice. But the only hands i see are those pulling me to conform. Release me from this prison of the mind.....

---

[ ]


[richel] [6/27/2005 03:24:00 AM]