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Sunday, September 15, 2013 I really tried. For her i gave up everything and worked hard at what was needed. In fact, besides OCBC, i have never been in office so many days in my life, nor done so much work. Enough was not enough anymore because i really promised myself, and indirectly, i promised you that i will treat her the best i could. And i did. Monday, March 21, 2011 I always thought I would never have the courage to do it. To tell her once and for all I really cannot wait anymore. She always says put myself in her shoes and I have, from all angles and perspectives. Whatever she wanted, I could have given her. Anything at all. But still she was indecisive. I tried to be patient, to be understanding but I really wanted to have the assurance from her that we can seriously work towards a future together. Her reply was, "you know my stand. If you cant wait then go find somebody else." I promised her that if we were back together, by the end of the year I will definitely have enough to marry her and start a family. Her reply? "Can you just please stop this? I am having a headache" What else can I do? "Nothing. Just stop it" ok. I tried my best. I guess it just wasnt good enough. But thats alright, I have no regrets. I dont think I will find anyone else like her in my life, but it just wasn't meant to be. The ironic thing of course is that most of the time, its the woman who leaves because the guy cant summon the courage to commit to marriage. I just want to have a family of my own, with someone I love, and who is willing to work with me for the happiness of the family. Is that really too much to ask for? Isnt this the dream of many females out there as well, or is my brain just washed in the wrong direction by the media? Xiao long nu, sometimes I really admire your patience, your undying willingness to stand by his side no matter how badly he treats you and himself. You believe there is a little goodness in him, no matter how much of a addict he is and no matter what he says or do to you, even when the best thing to do for both him and you is to be apart. I wish I have that kind of patience and courage. I guess as one grows older and with the big 30 coming up, priorities in life become more than just goals, but reasons to keep fighting on as well. I need a reason to keep fighting on. Like is fast becoming dull and tasteless. I wake up every morning (feeling like p diddy -- ok had to put that in, couldnt help it) with nothing in mind. Its just mindless repetition through the motions. Breath eat sleep. There is no light at the end of this fast paced darkness, no true happiness to be felt, nothing to make me feel alive. Everything is a been there done that whats next? Should lose weight. Maybe that would help. Being with her has made me feel complete internally so I totally disregarded the need to maintain a proper external shell. Somehow, superficial attractiveness seems to be the driving force for the world nowadays (wait, since the world began actually). Should improve my chances by reverting to former self. Food for thought...I shall munch on this bag of chips as I ponder... Monday, March 07, 2011 havent written for a long time..wonder if anyone stills read this blog. i told xiao long nu about this blog before and it occurred to me i should start writing down my thoughts cause i have no one to tell my thoughts and feelings to anyway. everyone have their own problems and I have always portrayed myself as the strong one so everyone always thinks i can take care of myself. I help those who need help, treat those who are in need of money, but my own problems nobody knows. nobody bothers. the one i love is preoccupied with making my life miserable. then i see people like xiao long nu, who no matter what shit the bf gives, she gives her undying support and love to, and I feel like why that cant happen to me? why is it when the only thing i want in my life is a family to call my own and i cant get it. I just want someone to come back and tell my problems to, whom i can share my life with, who will encourage me and give me support no matter what happens, who will defend me from her friends even when they are saying shit about me. Why does the one I love destroy me in front of her family, her friends and even mine? Yes I have complained incessantly about her, but everyone knows how much I love her, even my mum wants her back. Friends? Everyone has their problems. I help, i help, i help. When I need help, no one can help. Everyone just says fuck it la, cant help sorry, or just ignore and divert. I am just too dead right now inside to fully express myself. I really wanna give up this laughing stock of a fight called life. There is nothing to live for, nothing to fight for, nothing to breath for Tuesday, April 25, 2006 Its really frustrating actually. Think about it, you try to have a simple relationship with another person. Just a normal everyday relationship between a guy and a girl. U just want to keep it quiet, personal, just the two of us. If we have any problems, we will settle it ourselves. If we have joy we will celebrate between ourselves and our group of friends. But as my fate would have it, people has to come interfere. Have you ever woken up one morn and thought to yourself, HEY! My goal in life is ACTUALLY to wreck this guy's life! How about...hmmm lets see...YEAH I'll go poison everyone of his gfs and make them think that he is a horrible sonofabitch and then make them poison everyone else he is close with so that they will think the same way! WHAT A GREAT IDEA!! I fondly call this group of girls my fan club. RFC. Three of my ex partners are now banded together in this RFC. The most hurting thing is two of them i loved. Now all three of them have bonded together to attack Jac. Even though Jac trust me with the world and vice versa for me, she can't help but build up these questions inside of her. Her perspectives towards matters regarding our relationship has been affected and altered by everything the RFC has to say about me. Kudos to her for not letting them affect her too much like my recent previous gf was, but she is starting to create doubts in herself. Somehow things i do will become horribly distorted and unfaithful when passed through the RFC filter. If we have a argument about somethings, we usually settle it very fast. But to the RFC, its signs that I'm losing interest in the relationship. If i do not pick up her calls bec my stupid phone is so soft, it means to the RFC that i'm out with some hot chick. If i do go out with some hot chick, it automatically means that I've slept with them. Hmm...that last point doesn't sound that bad actually. But fantasies aside, what the RFC is particularly good at is jumping to conclusions, and then distorting them, then passing them on to Jac. They seem content to do this to everyone i'm interested in. The same tactics even. Posting on their blogs, msn, telling her about my past. Haha...amazingly predictable. Thankfully, Jac has been sensible enough to see through the ploys. Like for example, E keeps saying that i was a freeloader who forced myself into her place, and proceeded to wreck havoc in her lives and her family's. Think logically for a sec, how do you force your way into someone's home? They have wat, 5 family members, and i just somehow managed to force my way into their lives for three months? They even cooked dinner for this 'freeloader'. Its no use crying over spilt milk. Everyone goes into a relationship without knowing for sure what is going to happen. If you want to count your losses after the relationship is over, you are either horribly practical, or terribly infantile, both for which i will feel infinitely sorry for you. How about the common line of argument, I have nothing, why fall for me. Good question. Look in to the mirror and ask the reflection that very same question. If you can answer it, congratulations, you have found the perfect answer to why you are NOT in love with me at all. If you can't answer? congrats too, you are still human. Love cannot be explained. Neither can it be demonstrated with actions. The actions REFLECT the love and not explains it. When y0u see the person you love smile and you feel an unexplanable joy, that is the purest form of love you can feel. Love is not something you try so hard to prove or show others, but what YOU FEEL for someone else. So you strive to do what you can to make the person happy. It should NOT be driven by practicality and reality, or money or status. You cannot carry all these things to your grave. Nor to wherever after that. But the memory of the love that you felt for the person, or the person's smile and laugh, that is enough to last you for lifetimes and beyond. To RFC, i applaud your efforts. All of you. I wish you all the success in poisoning Jac. If you succeed, congrats. If you dont, I'm sure you will find more people to poison to try and fill up that void in your life. Thursday, April 13, 2006 Maybe you did not know the sun shone especially brighter today, Or that the air smelt especially fresh. Maybe you woke up this morning, Needing much more rest. Maybe you crossed the road today, and thought of what to have for lunch. Fried rice or wontan mee? Its just my little hunch. Maybe when you saw me right across the desk today, maybe you smiled, Maybe you laughed. Maybe you wanted to rush over And hold me close to your heart. Maybe you didn’t want to, Maybe you were afraid. Maybe you didn’t know, But baby, You are the only one running through my head. |
Richel A.K.A Bkoolz tag me 
my previous life
03/30/2003 - 04/06/2003 designed by lonelyger |
